She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
