thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
