I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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