I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you mean i was at the winter classic?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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