I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
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dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
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Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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