fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
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