The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
