Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Randomize
