Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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