did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
