Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
