Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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