I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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