I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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