The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
