if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize