I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
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