They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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