Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
