I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
I'm really busy with my period
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