And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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