my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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