I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
