Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
