Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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