I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I lost the right to judge tonight
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
