your parents love me but you hate me
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
