so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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