god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
please come you make the beer taste better
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
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