The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
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A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
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That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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