Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
