If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
