Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Randomize
