life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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