I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
