i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
