I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
