I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Randomize
