alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
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she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
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Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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