Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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