Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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