Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Damn victory sex feels great
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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