sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
