And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
