I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Randomize
