Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I supernannyed him into submission
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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