When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Randomize
