I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
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Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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