I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
