I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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