It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
