Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
