I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize
