Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
