I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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