Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
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