look no pants
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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