My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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