btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
My liver just had a heart attack.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
