I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
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